The Secret Sauce for Healthy Couple Relationships
Think of a your favorite sauce that you love on food. Sometimes this amazing sauce stems from an original family recipe. Or maybe it comes from your favorite restaurant. It is the combination of all of these ingredients working together to create that amazing taste you absolutely love.
Successfully navigating your couple relationship can be found in the secret sauce of Dr. John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House. With all of the components working together, you can learn to create a relationship that can thrive and weather the storms of life.
What is Gottman’s Sound Relationship House?
The Sound Relationship House is a foundational theory introduced and developed by Dr. John Gottman. It says that a strong relationship is like a house. The relationship contains weight-bearing pillars and floors that help couples establish a strong connection. This structure, called the Sound Relationship House, has provided many couples with the tools they need to create a happy, healthy relationships that lasts. It consists of 9 components.
Gottman Sound Relationship House assists couples in deepening their friendship, managing conflict and creating shared meaning. The weight bearing walls of the house; trust and commitment, hold the relationship together.
What makes the Sound Relationship House such a big deal?
This mighty theory has been tested with nearly 50 years of research to show its validity. Over these many years, Dr John Gottman and others at the Gottman Institute have observed hundreds of couples. During their observations, they noted the participants facial expressions, heart rates, blood pressure, skin conductivity, and the words the participants used in conversation with their partners. From this research they were able to see patterns of behavior that showed up in healthy relationships as well as patterns of behavior that hurt relationship satisfaction. Dr Julie Gottman took Dr John Gottman’s research and created tools to strengthen the levels in this therapy model. Dr John Gottman presented his theory in his bestselling book, The 7 Principles That Make Marriage Work.
Why are these principles important to know?
When you learn the principles in this theory, you are learning insight and tools to keep your relationship strong and thriving. When challenges arise in a relationship, the knowledge of the Sound Relationship House can help you navigate to find the medicine to create a new connection. Just as every house needs repair or updating from time to time, so does a relationship.
Gottman’s Sound Relationship House; The Secret Sauce for Healthy Relationships
In this blog, I am going to give you an introduction to each level of the Sound Relationship House. Over the next several blogs, I will be writing more in depth on each of Gottman’s levels of the Sound Relationship House and specific ways you can strengthen each level in your relationship. Even if your relationship is strong, there is always something new to learn. Here is an overview:
1st level: Building Love Maps
It all begins with knowing your partner. The first level of the Sound Relationship House, is called love maps. Building love maps means asking the right questions to learn more about your partner’s inner world. It is a road map. It is the basic level of friendship. Open ended questions such as, “ What are your likes and dislikes?, Who is your best friend?, Did you have a happy childhood?, What is your favorite music?, What adventures would you like to have before you die?”
In a happy relationship, you and your partner know each other better than anyone else. Over time, happy couples continue to update each other’s love maps as they change and travel through life together.
2nd level : Nurture Fondness and Admiration
Everyone needs to hear something nice about themselves, and it means the most when it comes from your partner. This level is about respect and affection. This can be verbal or non verbal. Sharing fondness and admiration is about scanning your environment and noticing what your partner is doing right versus what they are doing wrong. Then sharing that with your partner. Perhaps you admire their sense of humor or the way they’re always willing to help. In healthy relationships, you can articulate the big and little reasons you love your partner.
3rd level : Turn Towards
When you seek your partner’s attention you are making a bid for attention. This can be asking for something you need or you making a non verbal gesture for a response. Your partner turns towards that bid when they respond with what you are needing and acknowledging you. Paying attention is key to recognizing bids from your partner. Sometimes the bids are missed and that can seem like their partner has turned away or turned against. If a relationship has ongoing turning away or against, this will definitely lead to hurt feelings and loneliness in the relationship. Learning to recognize and turning towards each other’s bids can create a comfortable and fruitful space to share needs, desires, feelings, aspirations and hopes.
4th level: The Positive Perspective
Perspective is the lens in which we see the world. When the relationship has a solid first, second and third level of the Sound Relationship House (or in other words, a strong friendship), the couple’s outlook on the relationship is positive. The couple gives each other the benefit of the doubt when the other may have forgotten to give a kiss goodbye or became distracted and missed a bid for connection. That’s what the Positive Perspective offers. Couples in healthy relationships see the best in each other and don’t rush to offense or criticism. Believing that you’re known, valued and on the same team strengthens your union and provides security.
5th level: Manage Conflict
Since you can’t avoid conflict, knowing what to do when it inevitably shows up is key. Learning how to manage conflict can be an opportunity to grow closer. There are three components to managing conflict. First, you need to accept your partner’s influence. This means trying to understand their perspective and feelings instead of being angry you are not getting your own way. Second, whether problems are solvable or perpetual, you talk about them. Third, when you feel yourself getting overwhelmed or heated during an argument,, self-soothing (such as taking a walk, taking deep breaths or taking a break) will help you remain calm and avoid creating more painful wreckage.
.6th level: Make Life Dreams Come True
A crucial aspect of any relationship is to create an atmosphere where each can talk about their hopes, dreams, aspirations and desires with support and acceptance, instead of judgement and criticism. This is similar to love maps but now on a deeper level. This level can look like coming up with a plan to pay off debt and beginning a new chapter in life tougher or being supportive of them going back to school. Making life dreams come true indicates that you want the best possible life for your partner and you are willing to do what it takes to make that happen.
7th level: Creating Shared Meaning
The top of the Sound Relationship House functions as creating shared meaning in the relationship. This is where the couple creates a new unique micro culture. It is where 2 people from different backgrounds come together to form something new. Here this coupleship forms their own rituals of connection (ie, how do we celebrate holidays, to how do we greet each other at the end of the day) , goals for the relationship, symbols of what things mean, (ie, what does it mean to be a family, a wife, a husband) and support each others roles in life.
The Weight-Bearing Walls of Trust and Commitment
Trust and commitment are the weight bearing walls that hold all of the levels of this house together. If they are wiped out, the relationship crumbles. In this case where trust has been destroyed, couples who are committed have to learn now to rebuild their entire house again. This needs the help of a trained therapist.
Trust is the feeling that my partner has my back and you can feel that he/she has your best interests at heart. There is action to support this. Commitment is realizing that this is a lifelong journey together for better or worse. If couples are committed they are focussed on working on the relationship versus magnifying the mistakes or negative qualities of each other.
In summary, The Sound Relationship House is a foundational theory of The Gottman Institute. With these principles guiding you, you’ll have a relationship that can weather any storm and thrive.
If you are looking for more support for you and your partner in applying Gottman’s principles to your relationship, book a consult with me and let’s talk.
I am Kimberlee Daughtry Lopez, Certified Gottman Therapist, and love helping couples find connection again in their relationships/marriages. The Gottman Method for Couple therapy plays an integral role in my relationship with my husband, Edmundo Lopez. The tools keep our relationship thriving and navigate us when things get spicy . In couples counseling, I have helped many couples rebuild and flourish with these tools as well.
